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24/05/2007

Diary

I am the horse who’s shown only the carrot to continue ahead. I see nothing right away. The darkness is paralysing me, emprisoning me in the dimmest corner of my mind. I used to be a skillful drawer, drawing beautiful features of amazing women. Now, i cant draw the features of my future. Perhaps, i should stop call that ‘uncertainty’ my future. Perhaps i have no future at all. The word future is a big lie, im forcing myself to believe so as to keep myself alive.

Maybe I am too coward to make that firm and determined step of suicide, that I pretend having to await a whatsoever chance. To console myself i say’if nothing runs, walks or even crawls for me, i refuse to live this life. I will stop this mascarade”. Do i really have this intention? Do i really want to just let myself fall in that bottomless pit? Or Am i too stubborn to give up and put down my arms? Guess i have a rebel inside and i am not hopeless enough to give up life out of despair.

Why complaining about loneliness if it is the sole moment when you listen to yourself and hear that agonizing moaning. You feign not to pay attention to the signs that your body sends. When i dont listen to myself, it bleeds. I feel wet, i thought it that of pleasure, i turned colour blind all of sudden so as not to see the scarlet red liquid leaking out of my heart.

What’s wrong? Everything’s wrong ! I am dying of loneliness. Doesnt mean i need people around ! dont need any people. I need some people. Actually, only one person is enough, but though not any person. Someone who is not color blind.

How i wish to let down that mistrust and just behave like a not-yet-prejudiced child. How i wish to forget everything to throw myself in welcoming wide-open arms. How i wish to have a broken watch and forget about time, enjoying a timeless moment of sincere love and joy. How i wish to trun six again ! but im 25, 20 years of bad hex and sequel of misfortune as if i am the only one under the target of a revengful god.

 

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Beautiful, deep, powerful, painful, heartbreaking. I wish somebody could come and take u from all this sadness. Or that one day, all this will be just a bad memory, a nightmare. Good luck dear.

Ecrit par : Selma | 28/05/2007

Salam Ana,

I know you and I know you are strong! You know? The image I get when I remember you is that of your gaze. Child-like but fixed and determined! Nearly stubborn.

I didn't see you in seriously hard moments you will say. I agree, I saw ur gaze mainly when u faced the necessity to write an endless article or deal with a weird decision taken by weird people at work... But strength is there, and determination as well!

You're gonna get out of this Ana! w had denya, "7na mertaaaa7in liha", right? ;)

N.B: Keep writing, ça fait du bien.

Ecrit par : Kaoutar | 28/05/2007

What a nice surprise !!! Muchas Gracias senoritas !! i really thought i was unread. couldnt imagine that ill have comments as soon ! wonderful ! daba ghadi ndssar w nposti chi l3ayba ;) hehehe

Ecrit par : Ana | 28/05/2007

Are you serious?? We keep visiting your blog all the time! It's a great pleasure to read you again! Yallah hana mchit neqra the new post;)

Ecrit par : Kaoutar | 29/05/2007

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