25/01/2008
It's getting hard to laugh!!
Are you feeling the same difficulty in laughing? Is the world getting more serious or it’s us who lost the ability to laugh?
Are you faking laughter like I do? Pretending to laugh when nothing is really funny…
Now, we are living in an era when you have to pay to laugh… and feel very lucky if you come to laugh anyhow.
I wish if I can roll down on the floor with laughter, feeling my stomach twisted and my eyes wet…I don’t remember the last time I really laughed.
The other day I asked my friend to bring any drug that I can make me laugh !! yeah! To that extent ! everything is becoming artificial even laughter!
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24/01/2008
Normalization of your absence
I am afraid to get used to your absence just like i got used to your presence before...
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21/01/2008
Marry me not
Do not marry me
I am not meant to be for thee
Everything said it
The sunrise, the waterfall, the sound of the bee
Everybody has to agree
That I am not the one for thee
If you embrace me
I would be thinking of him and not thee
If you kiss me
I would taste him and not thee
Marry me not
If you do
I will have my heart shot
Marry me not
For I love you not
I love him so
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06/12/2007
December!!
It’s the end of another year…It’s december…i dont know why i am always scared of December ?! I hate the end...the end of anything...I am just the kind of people that are uneasy with changes...even to the better...If i am used to write 2007 at the end of the date, im not really ready to start writing 2008..i will need some three months to get my fingers used to type 2008 at the end of the date...I am absolutely uneasy with changes...
Another year goes by...I will have to make a reflexion or two about what i did this year (or rather what i did not do) i feel like i did so little this year...the only good thing i did is taking care of my grandma when she was operated on...faith decided and doctors operated...she puts an artificiel eye now...she has to receive 2008 with one-real and one-plastic eyes...I dedicated some months for the healing of her eye.
How many job offers i missed this year? I rpefer not to count...if i missed them, why should I talk about it anyway?! I started believing that my profession now is a job seeker..isnt it a profession?
I am patient...do i have any other option? But i believe that oneday luck will be by my side.
As far as my personality is concerned...nothing was achieved so far except that I have become more patient...but as i said that was not a choice...I had to.
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Wingless Angel
She is keeping herself busy so as to forget her loneliness…she hurries only to open her magic box and find bliss…the bliss of existence…
She feels barely existing amongst her people as nobody really sees through her...beyond the steady and emotionless mask she puts on her face hiding her glittering eyes.
As faith puts a magic end to the sufferings of lone people like her, it arranged a meeting for her with somebody, that can be anybody, and turns to become everybody in her unreal life.
Everybody has a secret garden where he enjoys playing and spending good times away from nasty nosy eyes..she's got a world of her own...a box...
A box can be any box, like everybody’s box...but with this special friend’s letters...the box is golden and so dear to her heart...she reads his letters over and over...she learns them by heart like holy texts...she is somewhat proud of her magic box, of her magic friend..who turns into a father when she needs guidance, a mother when she longs for tenderness, a sister when she wants to tease and confess and a brother when she needs protection.
Her friend in her imagination is a large comforting smile...he is a truthful and warm heart...he is a protective arm...he is a shoulder on which she puts her head when the world is unjust towards her...even if she feels too strong to be shaken by the unjustice around...
With this friend in her life, she feels like she had a treasure under her pillow... He is a wingless angel, who looks like everybody but is not at all like anybody.
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05/09/2007
Life after death
I am alive
I am not alive
I am searching for a life
I am dead
I am not yet dead
I am looking for death
I am insane
I got a useless brain
Feeling a permanent pain
I lost sight
Cant see what for to fight
With this increasing pain
I am becoming faithless
With a tearful eye
And a sad sigh
I wonder if God can give a sign
of bliss on earth
of life after death
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01/06/2007
Cutting the vein
My parents are away. They are traveling. My mother calls my brother every two hours coz he is her best (the prince crown as i like to call the sons of all those who consider male children as more important than a population of girls..some believe that if a woman doesnt bring a male into life is STERILE !) My father calls my sister coz she is his favourite (as she is veiled, my dad believes that she was exempted from committing sins, is she an angel?!).
As for my poor phone, sometimes I forget which ringtone i have selected. It never rings. Nobody asks me what i did during my very very long day. Nobody asks whether i am feeling ok or not. Nobody cares. Deep inside, it hurts. But I wont admit it. I am Satan's favourite as every dark thought is poured down on me like a waterfall of juniper.
What should I do? I dont want to change it. I just want to feel unconcerned. I dont want to feel hurt. I hate that weakness. when I was 9-year-old and just after the divorce of my parents, my father asked me to join him and leave behind my mother, sister and brother. I did it to prrove how much I loved him. Maybe if he asked me to follow him to Hell, i would not have hesitated. My mother never asked about me. I was crossed out from her list. I suffered of course. her ignorance and carelessness tore apart my heart, and to overcome this, my father told me: When somebody hurts you, even if he is a vein, You cut it off and forget about him. I did it (automatically).
Now that they are back, he forgot what he thaught me. he sewed up their union like an old used bed sheet. and life for him seems to have taken its normal course.I think he needs me no more. I am finding myself between revengful mother and sister and a completely disconnected father. The worse thing is that he believes whatever they say about me. And that's what really hurts. Doesnt he F***ing know me? Guess he doesnt...He really doesnt.
I was raised like a soldier, executing automatically the orders, I am finding myself lost without his orders. and maybe in this case as well, I should apply what he once thaught me, even if he is a vein in my body!! I will cut off that vein that beats for him and life will still go on for me.
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31/05/2007
Unwanted everywhere
I woke up again ! knowing that this day will not be any different. Same dullness, same feeling, sometimes i can see what people are to say before they even open their mouth. I have no super powers! I am someone too attentive to everyday nonsense.
What keeps me alive? Actually, I dont know ! Maybe i have nowhere to go! If dead people are taken to the sky, i am not sure that the sky will accept me. If they do embrace the earth, im not sure that my tomb will accept me either. I feel unwanted everywhere!
As I have always believed that we are living a silly life, I force myself to believe in a silly dream, believing like i have the silliness to succeed in this silly world. Intelligence is fatal in this silly world. Better be silly to believe in paradise...
Paradise is within...I know...living in peace with oneself is paradise itself ! but as i am a sadistic person, i prefer to suffer before...maybe i would enjoy it better..i wont let it go if i get it by force.
Life is a song! Not everbody has a sweet voice to sing it well. I cant have celine Dion’s voice. You may have tried hard, like me, to sing Titanic’s theme just the way Celine did, and just when you are making your best to sound like her, it looks the sarcastic way! As if you are making fun of of it while you were actually seriously singing like Celine...Life is a song...Sorry cant have Alanis Morisette’s voice.
Love is morphene. It calms pain for a while. If you are lucky enough, a while can be long enough. When there’s no love, you just keep on bleeding to death. Maybe that’s why some people had shorter lives. To be consoled, we believe that they are granted a much blessed love, that of God and His angels.
When God was distributing chance and fortune, he forgot me. Perhaps he could not see me just like my surroundings do not. I am doomed to be unseen and unheard as well.
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